Why did that just make me feel destroyed.
I hate emotions. They fucking suck.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
100 facts about me....
Yes... I did steal this off you Elleoholic. Lol.
1. My middle name is Valerie.
2. My daughter's name is Saria Lucy, and she is everything.
3. I used to play Hockey.
4. I love to dance and used to learn, but still feel completely uncoordinated when I dance.
5. I live with the mother, her fiance and my annoying sister.
6. We have a cat that used to be my little man, but now I can't stand him because he brings things into the house and tortures them. :(
7. I would love to travel Europe.
8. Since I was 17 I had told myself I would go to Dinah Shore 2011 - yeah, didn't get there.
9. I want so much in my life, but really don't know how to get it.
10. I always have a to-do list as long as my body.
11. I never get even a quarter of it done.
12. I'm so disorganised.
13. I am on a dating site - and have met some really nice people on it.
14. As much as I like England, it can go bite me because it's stealing Gonzo away from me. >.<
15. I would quite happily be Dylan Moran's sex slave.
16. I have a horribly low self-esteem.
17. I'm finally back to my natural hair colour, after at least 8 years of constantly colouring my hair.
18. I am one of the most indecisive people, and whenever I make a decision, I spend a lot of time regretting it. Even when it's just ordering food from a restaurant.
19. My absolute favourite meal is Japanese. Take me out for Sushi and I'll love you forever.
20. I LOVE Italian food, but am slightly intolerant to Gluten, so can't have it often. Makes me sad face.
21. I would be a gamer, if I had better gaming skills.
22. I shouldn't eat rice or cream, they both make me ill. But I LOVE them, so sneak some in every now and again.
23. My mother is the closest thing to a best friend I have.
24. I always try to think positively.
25. I sometimes feel overwhelmed by life in general.
26. I'm way too shy to make the first move, unless I'm drunk, then I say stupid things. It never works.
27. I once told someone I had sex dreams about them the day I met them. Not awkward at all.
28. I was in a relationship with my best friend on and off for four years. I'd like to one day get that friendship back. But it will definitely take a while.
29. I'm bi-sexual. I find males and females equally attractive, sexually, physically... but women moreso mentally. Lol.
30. I've been to see so many bands live - and they all rocked my pants off.
32. I once went all the way to Melbourne with Daniel, to go see Dylan Moran - a week late. We fail with dates.
33. I tell my mum everything.
34. I'm becoming more and more of a Gleek as the show goes on.
35. I think Stephen Fry is amazing.
36. I find Bill Bailey strangely attractive.
37. I've suffered depression since I was 15... started on medication at 17 and doubled the dose when my dad committed suicide.
38. I'm always saying I would love to just spend a day in bed relaxing - but I can't do it - I become so guilty that I wind up getting up to do something - anything to make myself not feel so bad.
39. I love to read. Whilst pregnant I read a book a day - since bub was born i've read one book and am a quarter of a way through my second book.
40. Music soothes me, angers me, it enhances any emotion. Which can definitely be a good thing sometimes, but can be a really bad thing at other times.
41. I secretly love constant approval.
42. I dislike feeling unloved.
43. I facebook stalk my exes.
44. My mother once told me she was unsure whether she was proud, or disturbed by my amazing stalking skills - because I took a picture of a guy she thought was attractive, without his notice. I then proceeded to send it to her, calling her a cougar. Coz I could.
45. I've been pregnant (not to full term) three times.
46. At this point in my life, I don't want any more children. I don't know if I want to share myself out. :P
47. I believe in most things spiritual.
48. My last psychic reading told me I will find my soul mate in the next 18 months to two years, and there will be no doubt or confusion between us.
49. I am very negative about this, and relationships in general. And believe that I am going to be alone forever.
50. I believe there is something out there, a divine being that created us and the world, but I do not think they are this "God" they speak of in the bible.
51. I respect anyone's religious beliefs, but despise the people who shove it down people's throats, treat people with disrespect, and don't let people have freedom of speech and rights. Like the bull shit group that try to ban things like Harry Potter and show up to Heath Ledger's funeral calling him a sinner because he was in a movie about love, that just happened to be between two men. I would like to spit in their faces.
52. I enjoy porn... honestly, who doesn't.
53. Politics bore me completely and I never know who I am going to vote for.
54. Everything I buy or own is faulty in some kind of way. If not straight away... it gets that way pretty quickly.
55. I love the taste of McDonalds. Lots of people say it's disgusting, and they don't know why they eat it. I eat it because every mouthful is like a party in my mouth.
56. I constantly have sex on the brain when I'm single - but once I'm settled into a full on relationship, it's one of the last things that I think about.
57. I spent about 6 months stoned when I was 17.
58. I lost my virginity way too young, and regret it.
59. To this day I wish I lost my virginity to my first love.
60. I like green tea and water - and drink it all the time. It's rare that I drink anything else.
61. I am currently wearing plaits in my hair and have been told I look great all day. Crazy!
62. Rayne Summers is my role model. If you do not know who he is, I may have to get violent.
63. I would like to meet Ville Valo and make a complete fool of myself. His voice makes me weak.
64. I go mental over a nice voice - I once got VERY flustered by these few words "I'm the pickiest eater Loz" AND IT WASN'T EVEN DIRTY! I'm insane.
65. I seriously am insane.
66. I never EVER thought I'd become a blogger.
67. I'd like to suit up with Barney.
68. My daytime television consists of kids shows, which seem to be getting increasingly worse as the years go on.
69. In saying that, In the Night Garden rocks my world.
70. I walk 4 nights a week and do Zumba one night a week.
71. I miss my dad everyday.
72. I still care about all of my exes, even the douches. (And I've dated a LOT of them)
73. I care about what people think of me, no matter how much I tell myself I don't ... and have logical reasons why I shouldn't.
74. I've been cheated on many times.
75. I've cheated on exes.
76. I'm a 5 can wonder. 6 and I'm gone.
77. I love the theatre, but haven't been to a proper theatrical performance since I was a kid. All the ones I've seen have been on TV.
78. I'm such a foodie. If I had a great metabolism, i'd eat all day.
79. I'm still a Hanson fan. Dead on. I've loved them since I was 7, and I used to be so embarrassed about it. But now, I don't care. I wanted Taylor Hanson in the pants big time.
80. I used to get my hair cut every couple of months. Since I fell pregnant with Saria I have had one hair cut. That's been over a year.
81. I'm planning on getting my hair cut and coloured soon - going back to ranga, even though it killed my hair last time ... lesson learnt?? Never.
82. I want to move out of Albury, but am scared of taking the plunge.
83. I once broke up with someone because an ex offered ONE day of fun. I was a horrible person.
84. I was once very naughty, and hooked up with my old bosses son.
85. I'm so worried that I'm not a good mum, even though everyone tells me I am.
86. There is one song that I never skip on my Ipod - and that song is called Rendezvous with Anus by HIM.
87. I'm really blind. Without my glasses, I can't see anything clearly.
88. I'm obsessed with photos. Taking them, organising them, framing them. I just love them. Fantastic memory savers.
89. I very rarely talk about myself. This is the first time in a while I've done anything about myself, and I feel conceded.
90. I'm really anal about spelling and punctuation, hence why I am studying Editing, Proofreading and Publishing. BUT, before anyone points out errors in this blog - I am extremely tired, so ner. :P
91. I am aware that hardly anyone would have read all of this... and that it is very unlikely anyone will point out errors, but I'm just saving my own rear.
92. I absolutely love my job.
93. Love is the reason behind everything I do.
94. I'm obsessed with tattoos, but every single one I have gotten I didn't really think about before getting them. Sometimes I think maybe I should have, but I only really regret one.
95. I want to get my ears pierced a couple more times,
96. Has a mild craving to watch Red Dwarf.
97. Is really running out of things to say.
98. I used to say your mum a lot, but now I just say your face, as it's less offensive. :P
99. I want to hang out with JD and Turk one day.
100. And I like Boobs. It had to be said.
SLEEP TIME NOW!
1. My middle name is Valerie.
2. My daughter's name is Saria Lucy, and she is everything.
3. I used to play Hockey.
4. I love to dance and used to learn, but still feel completely uncoordinated when I dance.
5. I live with the mother, her fiance and my annoying sister.
6. We have a cat that used to be my little man, but now I can't stand him because he brings things into the house and tortures them. :(
7. I would love to travel Europe.
8. Since I was 17 I had told myself I would go to Dinah Shore 2011 - yeah, didn't get there.
9. I want so much in my life, but really don't know how to get it.
10. I always have a to-do list as long as my body.
11. I never get even a quarter of it done.
12. I'm so disorganised.
13. I am on a dating site - and have met some really nice people on it.
14. As much as I like England, it can go bite me because it's stealing Gonzo away from me. >.<
15. I would quite happily be Dylan Moran's sex slave.
16. I have a horribly low self-esteem.
17. I'm finally back to my natural hair colour, after at least 8 years of constantly colouring my hair.
18. I am one of the most indecisive people, and whenever I make a decision, I spend a lot of time regretting it. Even when it's just ordering food from a restaurant.
19. My absolute favourite meal is Japanese. Take me out for Sushi and I'll love you forever.
20. I LOVE Italian food, but am slightly intolerant to Gluten, so can't have it often. Makes me sad face.
21. I would be a gamer, if I had better gaming skills.
22. I shouldn't eat rice or cream, they both make me ill. But I LOVE them, so sneak some in every now and again.
23. My mother is the closest thing to a best friend I have.
24. I always try to think positively.
25. I sometimes feel overwhelmed by life in general.
26. I'm way too shy to make the first move, unless I'm drunk, then I say stupid things. It never works.
27. I once told someone I had sex dreams about them the day I met them. Not awkward at all.
28. I was in a relationship with my best friend on and off for four years. I'd like to one day get that friendship back. But it will definitely take a while.
29. I'm bi-sexual. I find males and females equally attractive, sexually, physically... but women moreso mentally. Lol.
30. I've been to see so many bands live - and they all rocked my pants off.
Mindless Self Indulgence31. I tend to quote my favourite movies.
Killswitch Engage
HIM
Placebo
Grinspoon
Spiderbait
Paramore
Birds of Tokyo
Alexisonfire
... Just to name a few
32. I once went all the way to Melbourne with Daniel, to go see Dylan Moran - a week late. We fail with dates.
33. I tell my mum everything.
34. I'm becoming more and more of a Gleek as the show goes on.
35. I think Stephen Fry is amazing.
36. I find Bill Bailey strangely attractive.
37. I've suffered depression since I was 15... started on medication at 17 and doubled the dose when my dad committed suicide.
38. I'm always saying I would love to just spend a day in bed relaxing - but I can't do it - I become so guilty that I wind up getting up to do something - anything to make myself not feel so bad.
39. I love to read. Whilst pregnant I read a book a day - since bub was born i've read one book and am a quarter of a way through my second book.
40. Music soothes me, angers me, it enhances any emotion. Which can definitely be a good thing sometimes, but can be a really bad thing at other times.
41. I secretly love constant approval.
42. I dislike feeling unloved.
43. I facebook stalk my exes.
44. My mother once told me she was unsure whether she was proud, or disturbed by my amazing stalking skills - because I took a picture of a guy she thought was attractive, without his notice. I then proceeded to send it to her, calling her a cougar. Coz I could.
45. I've been pregnant (not to full term) three times.
46. At this point in my life, I don't want any more children. I don't know if I want to share myself out. :P
47. I believe in most things spiritual.
48. My last psychic reading told me I will find my soul mate in the next 18 months to two years, and there will be no doubt or confusion between us.
49. I am very negative about this, and relationships in general. And believe that I am going to be alone forever.
50. I believe there is something out there, a divine being that created us and the world, but I do not think they are this "God" they speak of in the bible.
51. I respect anyone's religious beliefs, but despise the people who shove it down people's throats, treat people with disrespect, and don't let people have freedom of speech and rights. Like the bull shit group that try to ban things like Harry Potter and show up to Heath Ledger's funeral calling him a sinner because he was in a movie about love, that just happened to be between two men. I would like to spit in their faces.
52. I enjoy porn... honestly, who doesn't.
53. Politics bore me completely and I never know who I am going to vote for.
54. Everything I buy or own is faulty in some kind of way. If not straight away... it gets that way pretty quickly.
55. I love the taste of McDonalds. Lots of people say it's disgusting, and they don't know why they eat it. I eat it because every mouthful is like a party in my mouth.
56. I constantly have sex on the brain when I'm single - but once I'm settled into a full on relationship, it's one of the last things that I think about.
57. I spent about 6 months stoned when I was 17.
58. I lost my virginity way too young, and regret it.
59. To this day I wish I lost my virginity to my first love.
60. I like green tea and water - and drink it all the time. It's rare that I drink anything else.
61. I am currently wearing plaits in my hair and have been told I look great all day. Crazy!
 | |
| 30 Seconds to Mars accompany me through this... |
62. Rayne Summers is my role model. If you do not know who he is, I may have to get violent.
63. I would like to meet Ville Valo and make a complete fool of myself. His voice makes me weak.
64. I go mental over a nice voice - I once got VERY flustered by these few words "I'm the pickiest eater Loz" AND IT WASN'T EVEN DIRTY! I'm insane.
65. I seriously am insane.
66. I never EVER thought I'd become a blogger.
67. I'd like to suit up with Barney.
68. My daytime television consists of kids shows, which seem to be getting increasingly worse as the years go on.
69. In saying that, In the Night Garden rocks my world.
70. I walk 4 nights a week and do Zumba one night a week.
71. I miss my dad everyday.
72. I still care about all of my exes, even the douches. (And I've dated a LOT of them)
73. I care about what people think of me, no matter how much I tell myself I don't ... and have logical reasons why I shouldn't.
74. I've been cheated on many times.
75. I've cheated on exes.
76. I'm a 5 can wonder. 6 and I'm gone.
77. I love the theatre, but haven't been to a proper theatrical performance since I was a kid. All the ones I've seen have been on TV.
78. I'm such a foodie. If I had a great metabolism, i'd eat all day.
79. I'm still a Hanson fan. Dead on. I've loved them since I was 7, and I used to be so embarrassed about it. But now, I don't care. I wanted Taylor Hanson in the pants big time.
80. I used to get my hair cut every couple of months. Since I fell pregnant with Saria I have had one hair cut. That's been over a year.
81. I'm planning on getting my hair cut and coloured soon - going back to ranga, even though it killed my hair last time ... lesson learnt?? Never.
82. I want to move out of Albury, but am scared of taking the plunge.
83. I once broke up with someone because an ex offered ONE day of fun. I was a horrible person.
84. I was once very naughty, and hooked up with my old bosses son.
85. I'm so worried that I'm not a good mum, even though everyone tells me I am.
86. There is one song that I never skip on my Ipod - and that song is called Rendezvous with Anus by HIM.
87. I'm really blind. Without my glasses, I can't see anything clearly.
88. I'm obsessed with photos. Taking them, organising them, framing them. I just love them. Fantastic memory savers.
89. I very rarely talk about myself. This is the first time in a while I've done anything about myself, and I feel conceded.
90. I'm really anal about spelling and punctuation, hence why I am studying Editing, Proofreading and Publishing. BUT, before anyone points out errors in this blog - I am extremely tired, so ner. :P
91. I am aware that hardly anyone would have read all of this... and that it is very unlikely anyone will point out errors, but I'm just saving my own rear.
92. I absolutely love my job.
93. Love is the reason behind everything I do.
94. I'm obsessed with tattoos, but every single one I have gotten I didn't really think about before getting them. Sometimes I think maybe I should have, but I only really regret one.
95. I want to get my ears pierced a couple more times,
96. Has a mild craving to watch Red Dwarf.
97. Is really running out of things to say.
98. I used to say your mum a lot, but now I just say your face, as it's less offensive. :P
99. I want to hang out with JD and Turk one day.
100. And I like Boobs. It had to be said.
SLEEP TIME NOW!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Saria.
The sky could fall, the earth could crumble,
And I'd still be the happiest person alive.
Because you are in my life.
All I need to do is look at your beautiful face and my life feels complete,
Because I created you.
The most beautiful creation in the world.
I love you more than life itself.
My heart bursts everytime I think about you.
The world could end right now, and I would be satisfied that my life was worth living,
because you are in it.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
David
Dad
I started thinking about you today. What am I saying, I think about you every day. You know I put up this front so that people think that I'm ok. I use the line "I would rather celebrate his life than mourn his death". But dad, I miss you every day and am still unsure how I feel.
I don't know if I forgive you. I understand why. I know you had hit rock bottom. But I don't know if I can forgive. I hadn't seen you in years, I didn't know you anymore, yet your death hit me like bricks. And since that day I have been fighting through the chaos to try and see the light.
The birth of your grand daughter has brought me onto a good path, I feel happiness again. My heart sings when I see her. Before her it was a cycle of pain, drink, numb.
She has helped so much. But I still haven't moved on.
I wish you could have held me, at least one more time, and just told me you loved me.
I wish things could have been different, that you were a happier person, that I wasn't left feeling abandoned and scared of being close to any male. That I hadn't lost contact with you.
But I can't change the past. I just need you to know I love you.
I need to know you loved me.
I started thinking about you today. What am I saying, I think about you every day. You know I put up this front so that people think that I'm ok. I use the line "I would rather celebrate his life than mourn his death". But dad, I miss you every day and am still unsure how I feel.
I don't know if I forgive you. I understand why. I know you had hit rock bottom. But I don't know if I can forgive. I hadn't seen you in years, I didn't know you anymore, yet your death hit me like bricks. And since that day I have been fighting through the chaos to try and see the light.
The birth of your grand daughter has brought me onto a good path, I feel happiness again. My heart sings when I see her. Before her it was a cycle of pain, drink, numb.
She has helped so much. But I still haven't moved on.
I wish you could have held me, at least one more time, and just told me you loved me.
I wish things could have been different, that you were a happier person, that I wasn't left feeling abandoned and scared of being close to any male. That I hadn't lost contact with you.
But I can't change the past. I just need you to know I love you.
I need to know you loved me.
All of you on my mind.
There's so many words... so many thoughts. So much confusion.
I just can't get it out of my mind and onto the page.
I see so many different life paths, so many things I'd love to bring into my life, but I am stuck.
I miss you so much sometimes, it hurts.
I think I'm falling for you. But I can't, because it will just hurt.
Sometimes I wish you were stronger.
Sometimes I wish you weren't leaving.
Sometimes I wish you cared.
Sometimes I wish you still thought about me.
Sometimes I wish you would grow up.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Doctor, doctor... give me the news...
"Want effective birth control you don't have to think about taking every day, every week or even every year? That's Mirena® (levonorgestrel-releasing intrauterine system), a hormone-releasing contraceptive that is placed in your uterus. Mirena is over 99% effective at preventing pregnancy for as long as you want, for up to 5 years."
Well, actually.
It's making me feel like hell!
I'm so over it.
I've had six days of freedom.
I've been all over the place mentally.
I've cried for hours.
I've had extreme highs and extreme lows.
I've been in pain for the whole month.
Yet I know when I tell the doctor this, they are going to basically tell me to get over it. That it happens in the first few months. Well you know what, I don't want it anymore. I want a life. I want to be free to do what I want without being ruled by something so insignificant, that's made my body so out of whack.
I'm over this - I'd rather risk falling pregnant again and let my body go back to it's natural cycle than be emotionally and physically screwed.
Just so you know.
You know what? Yes, I removed you from my friends list. I'm sorry you find that hilarious but to be honest, I don't care. Since day one I've been there for you, I've listened to you, I've helped you whenever I could, hell, I offered my home to you after just having a baby.
Since day one you have treated me like some help line. You barely listened to anything I had to say if it didn't involve one of your issues. I was just there to listen. I considered you one of my best friends, even though you never really cared. You say you cared, you say I should know you long enough to know that you wouldn't do that to me.
Well guess what, you did. And I don't think you cared enough to be grown up and say, Ok, I understand, I'm sorry I made you feel that way. Which is what I did and have done since day one. But no, I stand up and actually speak my feelings for once, and you treat me like an idiot.
So that is why I have removed you from my friends. I no longer consider you a friend.
Since day one you have treated me like some help line. You barely listened to anything I had to say if it didn't involve one of your issues. I was just there to listen. I considered you one of my best friends, even though you never really cared. You say you cared, you say I should know you long enough to know that you wouldn't do that to me.
Well guess what, you did. And I don't think you cared enough to be grown up and say, Ok, I understand, I'm sorry I made you feel that way. Which is what I did and have done since day one. But no, I stand up and actually speak my feelings for once, and you treat me like an idiot.
So that is why I have removed you from my friends. I no longer consider you a friend.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Yep.
"What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?"
Mr P - I don't even know you - but I don't want anyone else near you. I get jealous and confused, but I'm unsure why. I think I'm afraid I'm falling, and you're just like the others. And so I am going to have all of the same issues all over again. I don't want those issues. I don't need them in my life. I dislike being second to a controller.
Mr G - I can't stand the fact that shit can fall down around you, yet you always get to have someone else pick it up for you. I wish you would, just once, have to face your problems and not get to be happy for a while. It's unfair that our issues can be thrown away because a new thing has been thrown into your lap.
Life can go suck a big one. Just sayin'.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Babe...
You know all the right words to say to put a smile on my face...
14 sleeps couldn't come any quicker!
14 sleeps couldn't come any quicker!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
When I'm around you I feel...
Muddled.
Ditzy.
Beautiful.
Insecure.
Confused.
Jealous.
Ravenous.
Scared.
Smart.
In control, yet somehow so very far from control.
I don't want your heart. I don't want your love. I just like how you make me feel.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
...
It's days like yesterday where you really find out who your true friends are. It's amazing how close you think you are to someone and how quickly that can be thrown into your face because you could have been a little bit better with your timing.
Ok.. so I fucked up. I should have spoken sooner about my feelings.
But I apologised and explained why I didn't do so... and now I'm a deceiver? A liar? I fuck people around and I've never changed?
I fail to see why taking care of my daughter and myself over you makes me a deceiver.
Why my failure to make a prompt decision that will alter my daughters life makes me a liar.
You just heard what you wanted to hear throughout the whole situation and didn't listen to everything I had to say.
I think it's pretty safe to say that you have proved I made the right decision for my daughters sake.
I would never want her surrounded 24/7 by such drama queens.
Ok.. so I fucked up. I should have spoken sooner about my feelings.
But I apologised and explained why I didn't do so... and now I'm a deceiver? A liar? I fuck people around and I've never changed?
I fail to see why taking care of my daughter and myself over you makes me a deceiver.
Why my failure to make a prompt decision that will alter my daughters life makes me a liar.
You just heard what you wanted to hear throughout the whole situation and didn't listen to everything I had to say.
I think it's pretty safe to say that you have proved I made the right decision for my daughters sake.
I would never want her surrounded 24/7 by such drama queens.
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