I started thinking about you today. What am I saying, I think about you every day. You know I put up this front so that people think that I'm ok. I use the line "I would rather celebrate his life than mourn his death". But dad, I miss you every day and am still unsure how I feel.
I don't know if I forgive you. I understand why. I know you had hit rock bottom. But I don't know if I can forgive. I hadn't seen you in years, I didn't know you anymore, yet your death hit me like bricks. And since that day I have been fighting through the chaos to try and see the light.
The birth of your grand daughter has brought me onto a good path, I feel happiness again. My heart sings when I see her. Before her it was a cycle of pain, drink, numb.
She has helped so much. But I still haven't moved on.
I wish you could have held me, at least one more time, and just told me you loved me.
I wish things could have been different, that you were a happier person, that I wasn't left feeling abandoned and scared of being close to any male. That I hadn't lost contact with you.
But I can't change the past. I just need you to know I love you.
I need to know you loved me.
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